Me, The Trees and The Girls

Celtic Fling Highlights

Day at the Celtic Fling...doesn't get any better than this.

Potato Leek Soup in a Bread Bowl
Frozen Cheesecake on a Stick
Wine Tasting
Men In Kilts
Pipers
Amazing Voices

Plus, it's the place to make you feel okay about your white legs!

Check out the Tartan Terrors, my sister initiated me and now I'm mesmerized by their wit and musical prowess.

And my absolute FAVORITE sign...you single moms will understand, wink, wink!

Best Blog Buddy

Heart, Soul and a little Sass, check out Single Supermama.

My Favorite Summer Thing

Cotton Summer Nightgowns

On A Lighter Note

Things are looking better today thanks to a few good friends.

Started packing again for the move. Tonight it was party supplies and craft items. Found two foam balls and couldn't resist the urge to stuff them in our shirts. Come on....you have to do the Dolly thing.

Here are the girls:

And here's my Dolly impression:

Downer

It's 1:52 a.m. I'm sitting here because I cannot sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. Maybe four to six hours a night.

I should be excited. I'm packing up my house. The new buyer's loan went through final approval today and she is thrilled about buying my house.

My new house is being put together on Friday. It's a modular so we will go and take pictures of the Lego action. I'm really excited about starting over in the new house.

My kids adore me. My dog and cat adore me. My family have been fantastically supportive. They love me.

So why do I sit here at almost 2:00 a.m, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and feeling like I have no purpose in life.

I was getting the girls ready for bed. Trying sixteen times to get my cicada post right. The dog was begging to go out again. Blondie was climbed on my back trying to massage me. Reds was mouthing off to me that "you're not in charge". They were tired. It was hot. I was tired.

My chest started closing in. I felt panicky. I sucked it in. We walked the dog and being outside helped. I made up the girls beds tucked them in, gave them kisses and made a cup of tea.

I went on iheartsingleparents.com for a little while. Not much going on.

Read a bunch of blogs.

Listened to a podcast.

Here's the problem.

I'm lonely. I spend more time alone then with anyone. When I do spend some time with someone it's the kids.

I would like some friends. A book club. Some single parent friends here. A boyfriend. Someone to tell me I'm not crazy. Someone to tell me I'm still attractive. Someone to make me laugh. Someone who likes me who is not my family.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I definitely don't feel like I have much to offer anyone. Where is my purpose besides serving these kids?

I don't make friends easy. I keep them even less well. I don't know what I want to be. I don't want to get another job that's going to make me miserable. I want to use my talents. I want to rediscover what my talents really are. I want some self-confidence back. I want to be intimate with someone again. Even in my marriage it's been at least three to five years since I had any type of intimacy.

I want to stop wanting to be a person I can't be. I don't want to read anymore blogs about homeschooling moms, happily married couples, homesteaders, successful single sexy mamas. I may stop reading blogs except for a special chosen few because I think it's making me feel worse about myself.

I want to go on a trip to Italy and drink wine and eat pasta and have some sweet romantic man sweep me off my feet.

I want to go to Scotland and visit castles, and listen to people talk and meet some romantic man in a kilt who will sing folk songs to me.

I want to be a teacher, a vet tech, a party planner, a bed and breakfast owner, a farmer, a photographer, a maker of toys or just simply a MOM and homemaker.

I need a job. I need a life. I need a purpose. I'm afraid to make a decision about who I am and what direction to go. I am afraid that once again I will make the wrong choice. I feel like I have continually made a serious of bad choices.

I want a free life coach. I want someone to hold my hand. I want a guardian angel. I want to pray and feel like it's doing something.

Maybe I do need a therapist. Maybe I need to go out more. I'm scare to be alone, but even more frightened of putting myself out there.

Maybe I will find a job that supports me that makes me feel fulfilled. Maybe I will find someone to make me feel special again. Maybe I will just learn to love myself. Maybe I will realize I have more courage than I thought because I'm making choices about myself again.

Yeah, I need to learn to love myself.

I'm putting myself out there. The next time the girls go to their Dad's I'm going out somewhere. I'm going to figure out a way to meet other single parents around here.

I'm going to stop listening to love songs, stop watching movies and stop wasting my time comparing myself to other people.

I am going to get off my arse and do something.

I have spent ten years working my arse off trying to keep my husband happy and in control, keep my kids happy, try to make everything right. I tried so hard to maintain jobs I hated to keep my family afloat. I ran 200 miles an hour trying to hold it all together. Now I don't know what to do.

Anyone got any advice on finding your point in life? It's 2:22 a.m. and I'm tired of thinking about it.

Just In Case The Bugs Freaked You Out

Here are some pretty pictures of my hydrangeas

Screwed With The Cicada's, Oh That's What's Wrong

So it's been one of those days. Girls are at their Dad's and I'm piddling around the house doing little bits of something and accomplishing nothing. Little bit of laundry, little bit of packing, little bit of job search.

Take dog out for afternoon walk.

Realize the recent mass mosquito outbreak is from mucky, nasty kiddie pool that hasn't been drained in a week. Duh!

Start to drain kiddie pool.

Look up and mobile meat pickup truck service is sitting in my driveway. Walk over to tell them I am not interested in their 4th of July specials. "Sorry, I buy my meat from a local organic farm, not from a pickup truck".

Meat man says, "Can I jump in the pool like your dog"?

Look over and dog is rolling happily on her back in the remains of the mucky kiddie pool water.
Grab dog and pull her out of kiddie pool and put her on her run.

Meat man leaves, finish draining the pool. Bye bye, mosquitos, no more blood from me.

See many, many holes in the ground. Cicadas, desperately trying to get out from under the kiddie pool.

Not sure about this, because no other cicada holes in the yard except for under the pool. Count 21 cicada's scraping their little front claws out of the dirt.

Put dog on run in backyard because she is trying to eat cicadas and I am already feeling guilty enough.

Stand in yard for about half an hour watching cicadas wriggle. Boy, this is the life.

Decide to go in and get camera because who can resist getting this bit of fun on camera.

Decide they are not going anywhere anytime soon. Go in and accomplish little.

Check again on dog (still wet) and cicadas (still wriggling).

Go in and look up cicada's on Wikipedia. They are supposed to come out in July/August. Think I screwed them up with the pool. oh guilt.

Think that it would be really cool to watch them move over to the tree and porch where we usually see their shells hanging and watch them molt/shed. Great lesson for the girls.

Go in again to piddle around.

Bring dog in (relatively dry) as tired of hearing her whine.

Check on cicadas. Most missing. Count and we are about down to 10 or 11. Look around yard. Nope.

Look down at cicadas wriggling exposed on the ground. Look up at tree full of birds. Hmmmm? Oh well, guess the birds had a good lunch.

Pick up one of the cicadas, feel it's little shellylegs clinging to my finger. Peek at it. Place it on my dress to take a picture of it.

So, they push and push trying to get out of the earth under the vinyl pool bottom. They wrestle their way free and wriggle in the sunshine and then whoosh, down comes a beak and scoops them up and they're gone.

Oh well, maybe the robins that have been scolding me everyday as I walk past their nesting tree picked it up and renewed themselves for the big day when the peepers start making their little open mouthed squawking.

Struggle.

The cicadas are struggling to get out of the ground.

The birds are struggling to constantly find food.

The dog is constantly struggling to get out of my reach and into a great mucky wet spot.

I am struggling every day to find a new direction to my life.

Sometimes I can feel so petty. I worry about all types of silly nonsense.

I never worry that my children won't have food.

I never worry that I will be eaten.

I can jump in the water whenever I want to.

Here's today's lesson. I'm pretty damn lucky.

Sucked In....

Okay I have to do the following before I can read any more blogs:

One load of wash
The dishes
Make the bed
Go through the bills
Pack a little

It's a little too dangerous to read blogs with your tea in the morning....fifteen hours later your kids have trashed the house, nothing is done and you can maybe get a couple hours of sleep.

Just kidding, but I now have 133 blogs bookmarked.

Day Three: NO TV

Can we take a nap yet?

Been to the park, painted, ate lunch, chatted and told bad jokes on the couch, danced, fought like banshees. I'm about ready to pass out.

Did I think they would contentedly read books, color and build blocks all day?

Maybe they will be at their Dad's tomorrow. He has a never-ending supply of Spongebob Squarepants.

She Just Doesn't Get It Yet

While lying on the couch with Blondie, she told me these knee-slappers.

Why did the crayon cross the road?

Because it was being chased by wax.

Why did the man put on the wrong hat?

Because it was the wrong one.

Why did the fishstick cross the road?

Because he was trying to get to the sea.