Me, The Trees and The Girls

We're Moving!!!!

The carpet is in and the inspector came in and approved occupancy today. So, after this long, long wait, the girls and I are moving into our new house starting tomorrow. Hard to believe that this is all coming true and I certainly couldn't envision a future like this when I was contemplating leaving the marriage earlier. We have two and a half bathrooms. The girls have their own rooms. We have a dining room. We have a big yard and lots and lots of TREES!!!!! There are not enough blessings in the world to give to my grandparents for building this home for us to rent. They are surely the most amazing people I have and ever will meet in my lifetime and I only hope to pass on 1/2 the kindness they've dispensed to this world. So the clan is coming together, mother, father, stepfather, grandparents, sister's boyfriend, cousins, uncle, brother and possibly brother's girlfriend to help us move in. And as if my grandparents have not done enought Grandmom is fixing lunch. Sure there will be lots of new posts with pictures when I have the computer up and running in the house. Thanks to everyone who has given me their support, here in person and online. You make a girl feel pretty special.

This Friday A.M.

It's 10:30 a.m.

• I ate organic cereal with strawberries, blueberries and nectarines.
• The girls ate farm fresh egg wraps with strawberries and blueberries.
• I cooked breakfast while grooving to the happy music of Jason Mraz.
• We ate breakfast out on the porch before it got scorchingly hot.
• We watched four hummingbirds fight it out at the feeder.
• We saw a skink with a missing tail run across the porch and Reds followed it.
• We found a big, beautiful spider web glistening in the sun at the end of the porch.
• I hung the laundry on the line to let it be kissed dry by the breeze.
• We called my sister and left her a happy birthday song on her voicemail.
• I emailed my best friend in the world.
• I buried my face in my cat's head and listened to her purr.

Blessings?  I think so.  Bye Bye black cloud that hung over me all day yesterday.  I know you will be back, but for now...bliss.

Downer

It's 1:52 a.m. I'm sitting here because I cannot sleep. I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. Maybe four to six hours a night.

I should be excited. I'm packing up my house. The new buyer's loan went through final approval today and she is thrilled about buying my house.

My new house is being put together on Friday. It's a modular so we will go and take pictures of the Lego action. I'm really excited about starting over in the new house.

My kids adore me. My dog and cat adore me. My family have been fantastically supportive. They love me.

So why do I sit here at almost 2:00 a.m, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and feeling like I have no purpose in life.

I was getting the girls ready for bed. Trying sixteen times to get my cicada post right. The dog was begging to go out again. Blondie was climbed on my back trying to massage me. Reds was mouthing off to me that "you're not in charge". They were tired. It was hot. I was tired.

My chest started closing in. I felt panicky. I sucked it in. We walked the dog and being outside helped. I made up the girls beds tucked them in, gave them kisses and made a cup of tea.

I went on iheartsingleparents.com for a little while. Not much going on.

Read a bunch of blogs.

Listened to a podcast.

Here's the problem.

I'm lonely. I spend more time alone then with anyone. When I do spend some time with someone it's the kids.

I would like some friends. A book club. Some single parent friends here. A boyfriend. Someone to tell me I'm not crazy. Someone to tell me I'm still attractive. Someone to make me laugh. Someone who likes me who is not my family.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I definitely don't feel like I have much to offer anyone. Where is my purpose besides serving these kids?

I don't make friends easy. I keep them even less well. I don't know what I want to be. I don't want to get another job that's going to make me miserable. I want to use my talents. I want to rediscover what my talents really are. I want some self-confidence back. I want to be intimate with someone again. Even in my marriage it's been at least three to five years since I had any type of intimacy.

I want to stop wanting to be a person I can't be. I don't want to read anymore blogs about homeschooling moms, happily married couples, homesteaders, successful single sexy mamas. I may stop reading blogs except for a special chosen few because I think it's making me feel worse about myself.

I want to go on a trip to Italy and drink wine and eat pasta and have some sweet romantic man sweep me off my feet.

I want to go to Scotland and visit castles, and listen to people talk and meet some romantic man in a kilt who will sing folk songs to me.

I want to be a teacher, a vet tech, a party planner, a bed and breakfast owner, a farmer, a photographer, a maker of toys or just simply a MOM and homemaker.

I need a job. I need a life. I need a purpose. I'm afraid to make a decision about who I am and what direction to go. I am afraid that once again I will make the wrong choice. I feel like I have continually made a serious of bad choices.

I want a free life coach. I want someone to hold my hand. I want a guardian angel. I want to pray and feel like it's doing something.

Maybe I do need a therapist. Maybe I need to go out more. I'm scare to be alone, but even more frightened of putting myself out there.

Maybe I will find a job that supports me that makes me feel fulfilled. Maybe I will find someone to make me feel special again. Maybe I will just learn to love myself. Maybe I will realize I have more courage than I thought because I'm making choices about myself again.

Yeah, I need to learn to love myself.

I'm putting myself out there. The next time the girls go to their Dad's I'm going out somewhere. I'm going to figure out a way to meet other single parents around here.

I'm going to stop listening to love songs, stop watching movies and stop wasting my time comparing myself to other people.

I am going to get off my arse and do something.

I have spent ten years working my arse off trying to keep my husband happy and in control, keep my kids happy, try to make everything right. I tried so hard to maintain jobs I hated to keep my family afloat. I ran 200 miles an hour trying to hold it all together. Now I don't know what to do.

Anyone got any advice on finding your point in life? It's 2:22 a.m. and I'm tired of thinking about it.